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miércoles, julio 25, 2007

"LAS SANDÍAS DEL TOREADOR"


Era una fría mañana del mes de Octubre. Hacía un biruje como para imaginar langostinos congelados en el aire. La abuelita Canelita -adorable octogenaria y prejubilada inspectora de la Agencia Tributaria- en compañía de su fiel escudero Rodolfín -caracol con enorme parecido de perfil izquierdo con Rodolfo Valentino- se disponían a tomar un matutino baño en las gélidas aguas de una archiconocida playa del Atlántico Norte.

Para proteger su enclenque anatomía de las frías aguas oceánicas, la abuelita llevaba puesto el traje usado en su juventud, cuando formó parte del equipo nacional de equitación sincronizada submarina participante en los Juegos Olímpicos de Invierno de Honolulú 1.925. Después de realizar unos breves pero intensos estiramientos anaeróbico-broncodilatadores, la dulce ancianita y su compañero de torturas se adentraron en las plomizas aguas del Océano.

Pero el maquiavélico destino le tenía preparada a la dulce ancianita una difícil prueba: Su corazón, sumamente castigado por los duros contratiempos de inspecciones archivadas sin imposición de sanciones, no estaba en condiciones de soportar un agua tan gélida como aquélla. Por eso la abuelita Canelita no tuvo más remedio, para salvar su rocambolesca vida, que echar mano de su fiel escudero Rodolfín, asiéndolo fuertemente por el pescuezo. El sorprendido molusco, al sentir aquel peso muerto sobre su delicado ser comenzó a emitir estrepitosos alaridos de auxilio por su gasterópoda trompa.

Aquellos estridentes sonidos surcaron los helados aires matutinos, llegando hasta lo alto de la torre de salvamento marítimo, introduciéndose en las velludas orejas de David Jarseljof, también conocido en círculos taurinos como
“Er niño del buga chulo”, en otros tiempos bombero-torero “horroris causa” por la Universidad de Varsovia y que, como consecuencia de las restricciones impuestas a nuestra Fiesta Nacional, tuvo que buscarse las habichuelas en otro trabajo donde pudiese amortizar su llamativo traje de luces.

“Er niño del buga chulo”, tras cerciorarse que su flamante traje de luces, con un estampado de sandías en flor que decoraba sugerentemente sus nalgas, se encontraba totalmente abotonado, se ató a sus plantígrados pies unas raquetas de paddel modelo Aznarín y se aprovisionó de un par de grandes sandías huecas que harían las veces de salvavidas anatómico-forense en su heroica intervención. Ataviado con la indumentaria mencionada y con una agilidad similar a la de la mona Chita en época de celo, el Jarseljolf descendió de la torre de salvamento anadeando, raudo y veloz, hacia los dominios del dios Poseidón.

Al llegar a la orilla, nuestro héroe de pacotilla cumplió escrupulosamente con la advertencia que en su más tierna infancia le había hecho su santa progenitora, evitando de esta forma la aparición del traicionero corte de digestión. Así, doblando el espinazo, “Er niño del buga chulo” introdujo su apéndice nasal en las frías aguas marinas, lanzándose, a continuación, de cabeza y dirigiéndose con un envidiable estilo natatorio hacia aquellos truculentos gritos.

La distancia desapareció y en un instante el Jarseljof llegó a la altura de Rodolfín, quien seguía emitiendo a los cuatro vientos histéricos espirridos de auxilio, mientras la octogenaria abuelita Canelita se mantenía en un estado cuasivegetativo aprehendida a la babosa cococha de su fiel escudero.

Esta dantesca situación exigía una rápida respuesta por parte del cavernícola cerebelo de Er niño del buga chulo”. Tenía que conseguir liberar a aquel delicado ser del estrafalario monstruo marino que lo retenía. Para conseguir su objetivo optó por golpear reiteradamente el colodrillo de la captora con las sandías huecas que llevaba consigo. Tras ochenta y siete u ochenta y ocho guantazos consiguió desprender al tierno Rodolfín de las garras de su apresadora, y aprovechando la capacidad flotadora de su concha colocó al gasterópodo en posición decúbito supino, transportándolo delicadamente, hasta la orilla. Una vez allí, tras someterlo a un masaje en el cóccix y a un boca a trompa de primeros auxilios, consiguió que el molusco recuperase en sus mejillas el tono verde acelga habitual.

Y qué demonios pasó con…

DAVID JARSELJOF O “ER NIÑO DEL BUGA CHULO”: Por su heroico acto recibió toda clase de honores y distinciones, llegando a ser nombrado hijo predilecto de la C.H.U.C.C.H.A. (Confederación Hispano Ucraniana para la Conservación del Caracol Hermafrodita Adulto).

RODOLFÍN: Tras recuperarse del shock hipoglucémico provocado por la halitosis etílica de su salvador, decidió cambiarse de nombre, adoptando el de “Moisés” y dedicando el resto de sus días a divulgar la palabra del dios Poseidón por los cinco continentes.

LA ABUELITA CANELITA: Meses más tarde del luctuoso acontecimiento unos científicos descubrieron varado en las costas de Groenlandia lo que parecía ser el cuerpo vacío de un extraterrestre. Quien tuvo la ocasión de verlo lo describió como un traje de submarinista de la época de María Castaña con un par de grandes sandías por corbata.


(Tintorro Virtual CCCV)

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